Rules / Tales From The Crypt

Rules for Avoiding Arsonists (And Other Felons)

So this one time, I dated an arsonist.

You’re probably hoping for some context here. It went something like this: Girl meets boy on popular online dating site. Girl and boy converse for a bit. Boy goes dark for a few weeks. Girl gives it one more shot. Attempt succeeded in getting a coffee date. Boy in real life was super soft-spoken but seemed polite and nice. Go on second date. Boy shows up with roses and a plant… Have third date where boy makes lasagna and brings it to girl. Boy texts girl incessantly about how important she is in his life… Boy cancels several planned dates in a row for various yet understandable reasons. Boy cancels date again. Girl starts to get annoyed (finally).

area-arrestThere’s the background. I found out my date was an arsonist when he cancelled that last time and I decided I was annoyed. Being annoyed and bored, I decided to Google him. What pops up? MULTIPLE news articles detailing the guy being arrested for setting fire to a house – his mother’s house. Because I possess amazing Internet skills, I may have also uncovered some court documents detailing the case and found that he was on probation and that the incident was still under investigation. The whole thing may have been the reason I created this amazing Someecard.

Here’s what I learned from this. I probably should have been tipped off by him showing up with a freaking plant on the second date (love fern anyone?). Since that didn’t do it, the incessant texting and telling me that I was a super important part of his life, after only a few dates, should have creeped me out sufficiently.

But most importantly, I should have Googled him BEFORE the first date! With the amazing stalking detecting skills I have, lack of information and/or details shouldn’t have stopped me. I once found a guy knowing only his first name, his home state, and what he did for a living. I’m that good. (And I promise I only use these skills for good, not evil.)

What are the other rules for avoiding arsonists and felons? There aren’t any. Do your research. Here are some popular search engines in case you need help getting started researching your next date and any potential suitors:

  • Google – The mac daddy of search engines (and the company which will eventually own the world)
  • Yahoo! – Because there always needs to be a runner up
  • Bing – Probably only used by people who are also still using IE for their internet browsing
  • Dogpile – Actually a fairly decent metasearch engine
  • Ask – Sans Jeeves now, but still finds answers for you
  • Lycos – If you’re into nostalgia (I love the 90s)

8 thoughts on “Rules for Avoiding Arsonists (And Other Felons)

  1. Oh man, I feel you.

    Back in 2002, I met a guy who seemed great. We went out once, after which he poofed into the ether. I figured “Oh well here we go again” (another had done that to me after two dates the month before) and I shrugged it off.

    Six weeks later, I’m reading the paper, and there he is.

    He’d been arrested and gone to court on four separate occasions for rape, and each time had gotten off on a technicality. I was already on shaky ground self-esteem wise (bad break up three years prior, men didn’t know I existed (unless they were creepy freaks) until just the month before) and that sent it into the toilet. The next several years all I could think of was there being something wrong with me that in addition to creeps, now I attracted rapists, too.

    He was finally put away well and good in 2005, but it still bugs me almost ten years later. It was scary to think how close I’d come, and I also took it as an affront to me personally for many years.

    • Wow. That sounds so scary. I’m sorry that his bad behavior had an adverse effect on your self-esteem. Often I find myself asking what draws bad people to me, but we should all remember it’s not us. I hope things are going better for you now.

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