I did it, I went to a speed dating event. I sat at a lone bar table while countless man tried to woo me with their wit for five minutes (though some made it seem like five hours).
I dressed accordingly, of course, and brought a spare best friend I had lying around (ain’t nobody got time to do this alone).
I wish I could tell you there was some spectacular man there who wooed me effortlessly, or that I didn’t feel like I was about to end up on the back of a milk carton. But both of those would be lies and we don’t like liars here. Anyway…
The first man up to bat, who looked like a reject suspect from an episode of Criminal Minds, tried to wow me with his awkward charm, and creepy wit. When I say creepy wit I mean he told me tales of taxidermy, and bodily functions – oddly enough two things that don’t get me going.
After that they just went down-hill from there. Each more horrifying than the next, not only in appearance but also in level of weirdness – also, no I do not want to meet your mother after talking to you for two seconds…jeesh where did these guys come from?!
Being my first time, I tried to take it in with as much wide eye optimism as a virgin dreaming about his/her first time. Unfortunately, like almost everyone’s actual first time, my wide eyed optimism was not strong enough to combat the disappointment and reality that was the parade of creatures waiting to talk to me. There also wasn’t enough alcohol in all of Boston to aid in my optimism either.
The grueling evening of mini-interviews couldn’t come fast enough. Out of dozens of suitors, none were deemed even ok-ish enough (and definitely not eligible by anyone’s standards). Maybe this was just one, singular, awful experience though. It’s possibly I just happened to be unlucky in my pool of speed dating candidates.
For anyone else considering the sport that is known as speed dating though, I’ve prepared a few tips that may help make the experience slightly less awkward.
- Drag a friend along – For protection in numbers and for a witness to back up your story, bring a friend. You’re more likely to be comfortable walking into a situation if you’ve got backup.
- Keep the drinks coming – I recommend pre-gaming (or is it pre-dating in this case?) before you get there, opening with a shot before it starts, and then double fisting for the rest of the night. Get those wine-goggles turned on!
- Make a game of it – Use those score cards for more than just the official use. Establish rules with your friend before you go and tally up your total. Points can be deemed for anything – Wore a fedora (1 pt), Talked about his mom (2 pt), Admitted to a felony charge (3 pt), Got him to say “I love you” (automatic win).
The best advice for approaching a speed dating event is to keep an open mind and prepare to entertain yourself during the event. Maybe you’ll luck out and meet someone awesome (and I really hope you do!) or maybe you’ll just collect a horror story and share it with us. You know we love sharing battle stories!