I’d like to think that I’ve got this dating thing sorted. After all, how hard can it be? Show up, have a few drinks, talk (hopefully not too much about yourself, the weather or their pet lizard), and that’s pretty much it. In the last five weeks I’ve been on ten first dates (nothing like being proactive!) all through Tinder, and nearly all of them have been the standard format. I thought “look at me, I’m such a pro, totally mastered this!” At least that was, until I inadvertently gave myself a harsh lesson in “How Not To Behave On A First Date.”
- Get very drunk (3 beers, at least 5 mojitos, a couple of vodkas and probably some tequila shots, which results in all of the following points)
- Be unable to choose between going to the bathroom or getting the next round in, so decide it’s a good idea to give the guy your credit card and write the code on his hand (with a fountain pen that proceeds to basically tattoo his skin)
- Get so drunk that you need to be propped against a wall in a bar whilst the guy goes to get you some water
- Tell the guy about the multiple TinDates you’ve already been on and proceed to give them scores out of ten
- Invite the guy back to your place (I think in my head I was saving him a long train journey and therefore being totally charitable and not a wasted floozy)
- Forget that in your kitchen you have a board where you and your housemates write down what you’re doing every day of the week and you have “DATE” written next to Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday
- Get so drunk that you answer questions such as “how many people have you slept with?” and “when was the last time you had sex?” with frightening honesty
Did I do all of the above? Yes. Way to go Charlotte… I will stress that the guy (let’s call him Mr. Property) was very much a gentleman and did not take advantage of my grossly inebriated state in the way you might think. Big gallantry points to Mr. Property. Although he loses some of these points for realising that several mojitos down I’m anyone’s when it comes to answering personal questions.
I half expected the following morning to be something like that episode from Sex And The City where the hot police officer leaves Miranda a card for her local AA meeting. If that had happened I probably would have deserved it. I quite often like to entertain the idea that I’m ladylike and elegant most of the time… Clearly not in this case. Less Audrey, more Britney. So much for classiness.
So ladies, the moral of the story is: If you’re going to start drinking at 5 p.m. make sure you have a decent meal and four drinks is the absolute maximum intake for a first date. After all, honesty vomit is almost as bad as real vomit.