Sage Advice

The Kanye West Date Plan

urlI realize not all of us can have the class that Kanye and Kim ooze. But hopefully after this post we’ll all be able to get a little bit closer to the orb of light circling Kim’s ass.

Probably not though, just being real.

According to Kanye, he and Kim are the best thing since slice bread, we can only hope to at some point in our life find a match as perfect as they are for each other. But hey, I’m a how to writer, I can figure this out. NAY I will figure this out.

Step 1: Acquire target. Go for someone who recently had a PR disaster. Maybe your boss just has a big cheating scandal, maybe the quarter back’s thong accidentally peaked out of his uniform during the home game. The bigger and more desperate they are – the more you should go for them.

Step 2: Photo Op. Nothing says “We’re dating” like a photo bomb. Set up some ideal photo opportunities, he/she doesn’t need to know what’s going on. Just make sure they’re smiling pretty and not looking at you awkwardly.

Step 3: Confront them in a dark alley. Let them know your plan to fake date. Do not take no for an answer! Explain to them how this situation will benefit you both, changing your images for the better, making your couple status equal to Beyonce and Jay- Z.

Step 4: Go public. Now that you’ve convinced them to be with you it’s time to take the most important step – tell the public. This first wave announcement is all about making public appearances, leaking pictures of the two of you, and texting all 345 of your closet friends.

Step 5: Go socially public.  So you went public to your friends, now it’s time to use Twitter and Instagram to really get the ball rolling. The first social media outing needs to be a complete candid, so make sure to take at lease 34 pictures to make sure you get the right one.

Step 6: Announce your love on media outlets.  Your status is not just for complaining about life anymore, it’s now dedicated to sharing your love for your wuddle wuv bear. Post at least two statuses a day proclaiming your love and at least one wall post each. If you’re going to sell this thing go all the way!

Step 7: Go to an event together wearing matching outfits.  Got an event coming up? Make sure to coordinate outfits. Whether it’s a jean tux, or a sequined Liberace -esk ensemble, coordination is a must.

Step 8: Stage a break up.  Now that people have seen you together it’s time to make  cry over their favorite couple. It’s break up time. You want it messy, but not too hurtful. Remember this was a fake relationship after all.

Stage 9: realize you’re actually in love with them.  Or was it? Turns out – you’re actually in love with the fake relationship-ee, never saw that coming! Before it’s too late you need a grand gesture, maybe a trip to red lobster? 

Step 10: Poke a hole in the condom.  Okay maybe it’s a little bit rash, but it worked for Kim.

Maybe it’s not exactly the three year love saga of the West’s, but it’s a pretty damn close set up if you ask me.

* Single Chicks Blog does not support poking holes in condoms in order to trap someone into a life long commitment. Please use proper protection when doing the deed.

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