Sage Advice

To Poop or Not to Poop? That is the Question


We all poop. It happens. We eat a little too much IHOP, or have that extra cup of coffee that clears  everything out of our systems, making sounds like an unholy creature using us as a host was just expelled as it exits.

But what happens when the person you went to IHOP with is someone you’re dating? And you’re both going to the same place after finishing the best and worst meal of your lives. And that place has thin walls.

What happens then?

We’ve all been there. Three months deep in a budding relationship, and you’ve got something else brewing and nowhere to let it stew. (There will be a bunch of poop things moving forward, so either click here to relieve yourself, or continue).

I speak from experience people. Sometimes you can last for an hour before excusing yourself to run home to “take care of a few things.” Other times you’re stuck there, for the rest of the night. And after a stomach full of IHOP there is no way around it, you know you’re going to have to call a code brown.

So what do you do? Run the water, cough a lot? Everyone knows the tricks, and no amount of poo-pourri is going to cover the sounds coming from the porcelain throne you’re gracing.  You’re stuck. And when that toilet flushes, and you’ve finished washing your hands, you need to leave that room with a game plan.

You have two options: Pretend like nothing happened, or own it.

Your reaction depends on the company. There are some boyfriends where I felt confident enough to own it and would proudly exit while saying “Don’t go in there for another 24 hours. It’s for your own health.” Others I would slink out of the bathroom and quickly change the subject to anything else, literally, anything “So… broccoli. What are your thoughts on mother nature’s trees we eat?”

Regardless, it happens. And until some magical person creates a white noise machine to cancel out the sound of you backing a bus out of the garage you need to decide how to handle the situation. I promise, down the road, it gets easier. But nothing beats the awkward moment of exiting a bathroom after destroying it for the first time while your new boyfriend was trying his best not to listen on the other side of those thin walls.

3 thoughts on “To Poop or Not to Poop? That is the Question

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