I received a message from Professor Snooze-Fest when I was originally on a brief dating hiatus. I had decided to take a break after several discouraging incidents in a row – name calling, a polite (and much appreciated) “no, thank you,” and an inappropriate message request – but returned as always to the online dating scene. What can I say? I’m a masochist.
After engaging Professor Snooze-Fest in a couple back and forth messages, we traded numbers. In other words, he seemed normal enough to move to the next step. He called me one evening shortly after the exchange to talk. It was nice actually speaking with another human since most tend to gravitate toward texting. But then he laid out what he was looking for:
He wanted me to commit to a month (30 days) of exclusive dating before even meeting him.
Basically, he was asking me to sign a lease without checking out the property first. While the concept of not dating multiple people at a time was appealing, I was uneasy with this request. For some reason, though, I said I would try it out.
We talked a little more that evening mostly discussing what we did for jobs. It took me ten minutes to figure out what he did. Basically, he wants to be an author who writes and comments on history. I’m not a fan of history. I may read the occasional historical fiction book, but really, history is not and will never be my thing. I mean, my career is centered around the news. Once the day is over it’s not news anymore and I don’t care about it.
When we had our second conversation, he continued the history talk. As he prattled on about the first Thanksgiving (my fault, I brought up Plymouth Rock as a landmark) and something about some Ferdinand guy and a world war or something, I stopped listening. As the effort to keep myself from dozing off became too great, I finally told Professor Snooze-Fest that I needed to go which led to him inviting me on an in-person date.
Now, I was hesitant because I was pretty sure I’m wasn’t interested in this guy. Firstly, he talks way more than I do and it’s all about history and I am not interested in that. Secondly, he just gave me this weird feeling. I mean, who asks someone to commit to a pseudo-relationship before meeting? But I went ahead and made plans anyway.
As our impending date drew nearer, I grew more and more uneasy. Thankfully, I remembered that I previously made plans with friends and therefore needed to cancel the date (hallelujah!). I also decided that when I canceled I would also let him know I just didn’t feel good about his “method” of dating. While getting ready to call it quits with him I thought, “What will he say when I call to break the lease early on this thing? I didn’t sign anything and everyone knows verbal agreements are shit in court.” I obviously had no idea what was coming – clearly I was thrown by his previous Snooze-Fest demeanor.
Finally, I connected with him to cancel the date and told him I’m wasn’t interested in moving forward with this whole thing. What did I get in return? Pure aggression which then lead into him SCREAMING at me over the phone. I got out what I could over his ranting for why I wasn’t interested in moving forward with this nonsense. Not one to ever stand for that level of verbal abuse though, I hung up on him. He quickly called back and I declined the call, sending him directly to voice mail (thank you phone feature).
This is what I got:
Rage much? The voice mail confirmed my uneasy feelings about not wanting to meet him, and definitely supported the news clipping about an arrest I had found detailing an assault and harassment charge (thank you Internet detective skills). I’m no expert on this, but I think that may have been headed for an abusive relationship.
Needless to say, I clearly dodged a bullet there. Part of his plea on the phone when he was screaming, ranting and all-out raging, was that he NEEDED the 30 days to get to know someone – that’s just how it works for him.
You shouldn’t NEED 30 days to prove you’re a good person. That should come through right away. All I got was a Rage Monster.
- How to Spot an Abusive Man on a First Date – InstantCheckmate.com
- Abusive Men: The Red Flags – Oprah.com
- Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man – WomanSavers.com