I love Cosmo. I love the bad advice, the overly dramatic love stories, and especially the raunchy sex tips that past boyfriends have pleaded with me not to try on them. But there comes a time in every advice giver’s life when they need to dive a bit deeper than the white girls’ karma sutra (is that racist?) where you need to look past the stereotypical dating advice and give some that just comes straight from the soul.
So, because I’m feeling deep this week, I decided to share some heartfelt dating tips that I’m sure will have you walking down the aisle in six months or less – I’m not saying a wedding aisle, just keep that in mind.
(Note: I’ve been reading a lot of Cosmo and re-watching the Walking Dead lately, so if any of these sound off that may be why.)
How to Find Love in a Zombie Apocalypse (written in the style of Cosmo)
Step 1: When in an apocalypse be sure to pair off with two straight males. Eventually they’ll fight for your love and leaving you with the stronger one. Or they will turn on you. But I mean if the first one happens you’re set, right?
Step 2: Don’t give away the goods too early. There is nothing worse than a desperate girl during a zombie apocalypse. So, as my mother always says, don’t give the milk away for free – or maybe it’s something about buying a cow. The point is, don’t sleep with him for protection. Wait until that strong, lone man puts a ring on it.
Step 3: Test him. Just because the world is dying doesn’t mean you can’t still have your pick of the litter. Let him know that he is not your only option. Make sure to especially flaunt it when other men are around. Try setting traps for the men-turned-zombie, or going after any remaining soldiers – what girl doesn’t like a man in uniform?
Step 4: Let him know you’re worth it. While saving his life is out of the question (your manicurist did your nails last week and is now a zombie), it’s now time to turn up the heat. Tease him a bit; let him know he’s waiting for something good. Try running an ice cube up and down his back while he’s asleep to startle him awake. Next explain how you just saved his life from a gruesome team of zombies (zombies are cold and wet, right?). Not only will he be impressed with your skills, but he’ll start to see you as a viable mate.
Step 5: Take the big plunge. Every guy loves the damsel in distress act. How else are you going to get him to know what he is missing? Now is your chance to play it up! Jump in front of the next herd of zombies and wait for your knight to save you. Just make sure before doing this that he will actually save you. No one deserves to be zombie dessert.
Hopefully after following these simple steps you will have found love in the impending zombie apocalypse. And if all else fails just make sure you’re running next to someone with a limp.