I’ve grown to hate dating. The initial hook, the corny lines and then finally sinking into the depths of being blocked. The crushing frustration you feel when you realize nothing more is going to happen and the pain you feel when you hoped it would.
It’s a constant roller coaster of emotions which has lately been a very steep plunge for me.
Family and friends think that I should jump into finding a man but I have news for them, I’m not going to. If I need to “secure my own happiness” or some other shit like that, then I might as well tell all men to fuck off for 2014.
So with that in mind, here is my dating 2014 fuck it list. Originally I was going to do a dating resolution post but then I read this article and was more inspired to just be me and more secure in that! (Don’t worry though, I have so many stories in the vault to share that I’ll have content for awhile.)
1. Dating because I’m scared to be alone
So many ex-boyfriends have been placeholders in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I cared about them at one point or another, but without a doubt I was with them long after I stopped caring (sometimes that point being by the second date). I hate being alone and having a man to even watch TV with on a Saturday night has always helped me feel not so alone. But fuck it. I don’t need a place holder. I have a dog anyway; she cuddles me and doesn’t leave me.
2. Worrying that I won’t find love (hand-in-hand with #1)
Going along with my placeholders, I’ve always been nervous I wouldn’t find “love” or the mystical soul mate (which I do actually believe in, for the record). I jump into relationships because how else can you find someone if you’re not constantly moving? But fuck that. I am going to find love when I’m ready. For now I need to stop worrying that everyone around me is getting married and/or having children and also thank god that I am free to build my own business now.
3. Hiding my feelings
For some reason whenever I’m feeling down (and clearing frowning or puffy eyed) I feel the need seem outwardly happy to others, afraid that my frown might somehow negatively impact them. Fuck that shit. If I’m unhappy and want to cry or frown in public, I will do so. And please sir, do NOT tell me I’d look prettier if I smiled. You do not know what I’ve been through in the past 24 hours.
4. Losing weight to feel datable
I’m by no means obese, but after an ex told me the reason he never called me beautiful was because he thought I was fat I kind of developed a complex – weird right? But the only person that needs to find me beautiful is me. So if I want to work out or go on a diet (which probably won’t be happening – chocolate and I are pretty tight), I’m doing it for myself. I’m not giving any fucks of what some guy thinks about my body. Screw you and your small penis.
5. Dating in general
I put so much pressure on myself to date. I tell myself it’s good for my social life and that I should be dating because I’m 25 (how weird, I haven’t said I’m 25 since turning 25… pretty crazy. 25 < for good measure) and that’s what’s expected of me. But like stated in the beginning, I hate dating. I need a longer break since those few months I “took off from dating” didn’t end up being the break I’d hope for.
6. Being “on” all the time
It’s okay to have off moments and you better believe that I will be having them more frequently.
2013 I gave too much power to people who didn’t really know me and not enough to myself. I’m taking back my power (which isn’t flying, though that would be awesome) and saying a big fuck you to anyone who tries to steal it (and punching them in the face – because that’s what I do).