Contributed / Not So Tall Tales

Would you like fries with that?

There’s a cliché somewhere that says something like “you’re learning every day of your life.”  Well, I’m not too sure about every day, but there are certainly some occasions where something will happen and I’ll think “yep, I sure did learn something here.”  For example, I discovered the other day that applying dry shampoo before you go to bed ensures that the powdery stuff all blends in and you can get some nice mussed-up volume overnight (there you go, beauty tip for free).  Or last week, I learned that it’s ok to eat two steaks in three days and not feel guilty about it.  And then there was my horribly messy first date last year that taught me excessive amounts of alcohol and going out with someone you’ve never met before just doesn’t end well, right?  RIGHT??

Fine, maybe I haven’t learned my lesson there…

In my defence, I had already been out drinking with friends by the time my first date with Wannabe Model happened.  It was a rather impromptu meet-up, facilitated by the fact that we live about 3 blocks away from each other.  So there I was, a few beers and a couple of vodkas (and maybe a shot – it was Friday night after all!) down, waiting outside my local bar for this guy to show up, feeling all confident and perky.  Until my hypoglycaemia kicked in.

A brief explanation of hypoglycaemia: very low blood sugar, can only be regulated by eating properly.  Symptoms of a blood sugar “low” include sweating, shaking, dizziness, paleness of face, grumpiness and an extreme need to eat something both sugary and salty.  And yes, I was experiencing all of these things by the time Wannabe Model showed up.  That will teach me to skip dinner (again).

I probably could have played it cool.  I probably could have just followed him into the bar, ordered a very sugary drink and just got over the fact that I felt like I was about to pass out.  I probably could have found a way to explain the sweaty sheen on my face and my ghostly pallor.  But no.  I wanted food and I was going to get it.  Wannabe Model was probably expecting a coy “hey” from me and a kiss on each cheek.  Instead he got “Hi, nice to meet you, this may sound a bit weird but I’m having a bit of a hypoglycaemic attack so do you mind if we go to McDonalds, like, right now?”

It gets worse.  I could have ordered a full-fat Coke, or even a milkshake, and sipped at it delicately while Wannabe Model and I made an emotional connection in a cozy plastic booth.  I could have ordered fries which we could have shared, brushing hands accidentally-on-purpose as we reached into the container at the same time.  But no.  A large Big Mac meal with extra chicken nuggets found its way onto my tray, which I then proceeded to throw at my face with gay abandon whilst Wannabe Model tried not to look horrified.  Oh and I talked at him with my mouth full as well, so damn classy.

Clearly, there are several lessons to be learned here:

  1. ALWAYS eat dinner – I know I’ve said it before, and I should really start taking my own advice, but you will never regret eating dinner (just make sure it’s not a massive risotto that’s going to make you bloat within 20 minutes)
  2. Do not get drunk before going on a date – One drink, maximum two, for a bit of Dutch courage is acceptable, but if you go beyond that point you’re either already having a good night out so why bother with the date, or you’re drinking at home alone in which case you probably need help…
  3. Foods to avoid when on a first date: Fast food, anything you have to eat with your hands (fajitas, tacos, burgers, ribs, large slices of cake when you don’t have a fork, chicken wings etc.), any kind of salad (you’ll always end up with green bits poking out of your mouth and stuck in your teeth)
  4. Always carry a small packet of jelly beans in your handbag for blood sugar emergencies

Maybe one of these days I’ll start following my own advice and start acting like a normal person when out in public and trying to impress someone.



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