I was dating this guy. He was active, super in shape and barely my height. Not typically my normal “type” by any means. But he was there, I was lonely and he seemed to care about me. Apparently not in the way I needed him to.

He had just gotten back from a week abroad for work, so we took the following Monday off to have a day to ourselves. I had planned on a late breakfast, walking to the common and then just enjoying the spring day. However, it didn’t end that way.

At some point during the morning he had mentioned there were things he didn’t like about me. So rather than leave it alone I did what any insecure female in my position would do – I pushed him. I pleaded with him to tell me and told him there were plenty of things I didn’t like about him.

So he told me.

“You’re bigger than I would like.” To which I said, “Um excuse me?”

“I’m so active I just worry you won’t be able to keep up.  For your health you should lose weight.”

I was shocked. I’ve had a constant battle with my weight since I was a child but I am by no means obese – slightly overweight, probably, according to some scale. Last time I checked I was maybe 10 pounds over what I should be for height/weight proportions. As far as “if I could keep up with him” – no I couldn’t run 4+ miles, but spend a day hiking mountains, skating for hours on end, biking until dark – sure I could keep up.

My biggest qualm with him? He never told me I was beautiful. I then pointed that out to him and added, “I can see why now.” His response was just, “Yeah.”

After that, I  got up and headed to the shower. Mostly spent crying rather than showering. When I opened my door I prayed to the large black woman god I believe in that he was gone. He wasn’t. There he was lying on my bed. So I shyly put clothes on and told him he was up to shower.

We broke up that day, after both of us crying for what seemed like hours. I ended things, I told him I deserved to be with someone who thought I was beautiful, regardless of my weight. He was sad because he claimed to love me. I told him someone who loves another person should never say what he said.

It’s been over a year and I still don’t feel comfortable when I’m with a man. The whole time I’m wondering if he felt that roll, or if I’m too heavy to lay on his chest, or if he even cares about me. Right after we broke up I found solace in running and using diet pills again.

I can still hear those words every time I look in the mirror or when I’m out with another guy. I realize it’s my fault for giving him any power, I should never let some guy define what I am or what I look like. But damn it still sucks when your worst nightmare comes true.