“When Harry Met Sally” is one of my favorite romantic comedies. Growing up it used to be my go to New Year’s Eve movie, go to break up movie, and “you don’t need an excuse to watch this, just watch it” movie.
However, after watching it for the one thousandth time last night I realized just how much Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal led me astray. You see, I’ve grown up thinking “if he rejects you there is still a chance he really secretly loves you so don’t give up hope.” And hope is dangerous.
Yeah, sure, having hope is also beautiful and other crap like that, but when you place hope in a man who says he is not interested in anything but friendship with you – shit gets a bit more complicated. I realize I have myself to blame but if we’re pointing fingers then Hollywood should get some too.
I’m not good at accepting the whole “rejection is what it is” idea. I’m better at fantasizing that rejection is just some sick and twisted foreplay. So after being rejected I store it in my “there’s still hope” file – because one rejection isn’t enough. However five rejections from one person, that’s a solid sign to move on.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I have hope. I have hope that I’m an exception to every guy’s rule. Hope that his rejection is really just him being afraid of being committed to me. I mean, after all that’s what Hollywood has told me happens with men. You get into a relationship, it ends, the guy realizes he screwed up, you get back together.
That’s how love works, right?
It’s not. Relationships end, you move on, you learn more about yourself, find someone new and start the process all over again until you find that one person who is the reason you had hope in the beginning.
Hope is good and bad. Without hope we wouldn’t want to continue dating after out 10th awful first date in a row. With hope we continue and go on date number 11. But this hope we have for the relationships that fail needs to end. It’s about knowing things will get better – having hope to push yourself to move on from this person.
Yeah, things were great with this SO. But it ended for a reason. So have hope in yourself that you’ll pick yourself back up and try it again. Don’t have hope that the other person will realize their big mistake. Chances are it wasn’t a mistake. And you know that. In your gut you know that things needed to end. But you turned your fear of getting back out there into hope of someone coming back.
Do you see how sad that is?
Rather than hoping you’ll find someone who is a better fit for you, you’re hoping someone you loved will magically change their mind – even if it would be painful for both of you to be together again.
We need to stop this bad hope and focus more on positive hope. Let’s start having hope that the 11th first date will be better instead of hoping they change their mind.